Tales From Compton University!

Al Yen

Compton! Compton University!

A few years into the future a misguided wealthy individual will decide to establish a fantastic university. This university will be comprised of 6 colleges; all furnished with the finest décor, housing the nation’s greatest teachers. No other university on the face of the earth will be as grand as this one. However, the billionaire is a foreigner and mistakenly builds it in Compton, California!

Compton! Compton University!

Today’s episode: Admissions Interview!
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European Guy: I am interested in attending your school.

Admissions Guy: Absolutely! First, please, tell me a little bit about yourself.

Euro Guy: I wasn’t raised in the best atmosphere. My parents were both house servants to a wealthy ambassador’s family. They were my adoptive parents. My birthparents, I have never personally met. The orphanage agency said they sold me for a few dollars and a pack of cigarettes.

Ad. Guy: How tragic.

Euro Guy: I worked most of my life. Through my own determination was I able to earn an education. In between whippings from my parents and delivering goat’s milk for my customers, I read books and self-taught myself math. I registered for professions school New Years Eve after I got my parents inebriated.

Ad. Guy: How resourceful.

Euro Guy: But I couldn’t even go. They wouldn’t let me into chimney-sweep class because I was short two quids. The next day, admissions officers threw me out. I sat at their gates for a week, begging to let me in. I watched my left hand freeze and fall off that Saturday.

Ad. Guy: I see.

Euro Guy: The month after I gave up is shrouded in darkness. I remember drinking a lot. I was barely sober enough to watch the television one day, and I saw an episode of Friends, where the tall Jewish one was teaching a class before the short funny one barged in. I cried. I cried because it was the funniest thing I ever saw in my life. I continued learning, because one day I wanted to teach in America, so maybe, just maybe, my short gay friend can barge into my class.

Ad. Guy: How touching.

Euro Guy: It was the happiest day of my life, hiding in the airplane’s luggage compartment. I remember clearly being bitten by those nice dogs and cavity searched by those policemen. They let me stay when I threatened to kill myself. I heard that this school was new and open to everyone, so I applied. I want to realize my dream, sir.

Ad. Guy: (With tears in his eyes) Son, we’d be glad to have you onboard. Welcome to America, son.

Euro Guy: Thank you! Thank you so much, sir!

Ad Guy: You can start tomorrow! Room and board free of charge!

Euro Guy: (Shakes hands) Thank you sir! Finally, some luck in my life! (Walks out) When I hit it big, I will remember you, sir! You won’t regret this!

Ad Guy: See that I don’t! (Shares laughs)

*KABLAMMO!*

Euro Guy: Ah! AAH! I’ve been shot! Oh god help me!

(Ad Guy runs away.)
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Compton! Compton University!

Thank you for joining us at Compton University! See you next time!

Compton! Compton University!