Secrets to Success

by Hoson To

*WARNING: DO NOT TRY THESE AT HOME. I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY RESULTS OR DAMAGES THAT MAY AND WILL OCCUR FROM YOU ATTEMPTING ANY OF MY TECHNIQUES. THESE RESULTS MAY INCLUDE, BUT ARE NOT LIMITED TO, FAILURE IN ALL CLASSES, LOWERING OF GPA, FAMILY DISHONOR, DEEP STRESS AND DEPRESSION, OR FAILURE TO GET INTO A COLLEGE OF YOUR CHOICE.

Most of you probably know that I am a hardcore slacker. Yet I somehow maintain a pretty high GPA and do surprisingly well in all my classes. Well, for the first time ever, I will reveal the secrets to my success.

Play first, Work Second. I come home from school, and the first thing I do is not homework. I take several hours to relax, whether it be playing some games, surfin the net, watching the television, or playing the piano. This assures that I am unstressed and relaxes me for the rest of the day for homework or even more relaxing.

Quantity under Quality. Frankly, I don't quite understand this phrase myself. But the point is that I do the bare minimum requirement for everything. That means I only do things that will be graded. That's why I never read or study. No teacher can possibly chart studying time. Thus, I see no point in it. For example, you don't necessarily have to read a book to write an essay about it. If you're supposed to not summarize anyway, and if you just have to know the elements of the novel, just become familiar with the theme or characters off some site like sparknotes.com or pinkmonkey.com. PS, I also like to half-ass, or BS, everything I do.

Time Management. I know my own capabilities very well and know how much time I need to do any assignment. As a result, I never do things early, which gives me time to enjoy life and sit around. Time perception also plays a big role. For example, if you start your homework at eight o'clock, you actually have up to eleven hours to finish, because it's eleven hours until school starts. I would say that eleven hours is a hella lot of time. Also, there is the time in between class periods, and calculus class, which entails no classwork, meaning time for other work. I study only a maximum or thirty minutes before a test, and I study only up to twenty minutes at a time. The key to tests, except for math tests, is memorization. When you memorize something twenty minutes ago, you can recall it much easier that something you memorized the night before.

To Stress or Not to Stress. Don't stress. You will feel better and you will get things done. Plus, you won't be feeling down or worried all the time, which sucks.

Thank God. I thank the heavens for blessing me with a brain that can understand and learn things so quickly, and retain information too. It is completely responsible for the natural genius-ness in my being. However, I do feel a little guilty because I have exploited my brain to hell. My laziness is a result of knowing that I don't have to do the work, because my brain will. I salute you brain, and keep up the excellent work, or else we're both screwed.