A License To Kill A Mockingbird

Al Yen

There comes a time in every man’s life…

Hoss: Victor, as your mental superior I strongly advise you to part ways with Tina.

Victor: Don’t you think I want to? It’s just so difficult. She’s just… just so… so strong…

Al: Victor, as your physical superior I strongly advise you to stop being such a fragile girly-boy.

Victor: It’s not easy you know! You’ve got your muscles and look what I got! Nothing! It droops DOWN when I flex!

Tom: Victor, as your handsome superior I strongly advise you to sex up someone tougher than Tina.

Victor: Won’t that get me into even BIGGER trouble?

Pika: Victor, as your Asiatic superior I strongly advise you to outdo her with enough community service to make her loopy and wacky and woo!

Victor: What? Heck no. I ain’t going nowhere. I have homework! Hey wait a minute, you’re not even Asian.

Brian: Victor, as your aromatic superior I advise you to KISS MY ASS. I HAVE A GUN!

Victor: …WHAT???

Alison: Victor, as your masculine superior I strongly advise you take charge. Be the man for a change.

Victor: Oh my god.

Where he must weather the elements…

Victor: Listen Tina, it’s over. We knew from the first day that this could not last. We knew that. No, no come on. Don’t be like that. I mean, we can still be friends, right? Look, I’ll still be around. I mean, I practically see you every day as it is. No please, please don’t cry. I – I just feel like we need some space. I have things to work out and I feel that it has to be done by myself. We’ll always have NHS, right?

And brace himself for the tempest ahead...

Pika: Oh, uh hey Tina. Are you all right about all that stuff with Victor and all that.

Tina: Yes. Why would you think anything would be wrong?

Pika: I didn’t say that! I swear I didn’t say anything! A hee hee hee hee :p

Tina: Besides, it’s not over between us. In fact, it’s far from over. FAR.

Pika: Hee hee hee ha ha ha ha hoo hoo hoo hoo :D :D :p

When he must fight his way to the mountain tops…

Victor: Guys, I’m really scared. There has been strange sounds happening in my house at night. I thought it could’ve been D or Karen at their midnight romps or something but I don’t think it is.

Hoss: What do you mean?

Victor: I mean things have been happening. When I wake up in the morning the stuff I have on my shelves and in my room are all misplaced. My computer is overloaded with all of this anime stuff and all of my community service shirts have been jacked.

Al: Good god. What could this mean?

Victor: I don’t know guys, I just have this really bad feeling that it could be- - -

Tom: Look I’m sure it’s nothing, it’ll all blow over soon enough.

And carve out his own heroic path…

Tom: What’re we gonna do about this whole Victor situation?

Al: The question is not WHAT we are going to do, good sir – but WHAT we ARE going To do.

Hoss: Uh… …huh???

Al: Exactly the point.

Tom: … … …Wait, what?

Al: What we have to do, friends is what we have to do! And we have to do it the way we want it with the way we’ve always been doing it. We’ll do what we have to do when we want to do it and where we want to do it. That’s what we will have to do when we do it.

Pika: Oh my god I better write this down.

Al: Friends, when Victor joined our little family we promised him a lifetime of coverage and fellowship in exchange for his soul and a pack of Bubbleyum. Though it was an unwritten contract we Assmen take pride in keeping our promises. Now in his time of need, we must absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt, eliminate the problem.

Hoss: Whoa whoa whoa. Wait a minute. Back it up. Beep beep beep! Are you proposing that we KILL Tina?

Tom: Beep beep beep? Are we doing sound effects now?

Al: No, we are not doing sound effects!

Pika: Bzzt! I have a question! Who in their right mind considers murder an alternative to a plausible solution?

Tom: Bzzt! I agree. We really shouldn’t result to such drastic measures.

Hoss: DING DING DING! He’s got a point!

Al: … … …SHUT UP.

Amongst the heroes of destiny…

Victor: Please. Is there anyway you can help me out of this one?

Al: Ah… you come to me asking for a favor, yet you talk to me without a bit of respect. What have I ever done to make you treat me so disrespectfully? If you’d come to me in friendship, then this whole unruly business would’ve been over with. Someday – and that day may never come – I’ll call upon you to do a service for me. But until that day, accept this justice as a gift in behalf of Harry Potter day.

Victor: Grazi. Grazi Assfather. Oh by the way, if you don’t mind me asking – what exactly do you plan to do about my problem?

Al: Why, the only thing that CAN be done at a time like this. We’re going to a haunted house!

Victor: Oh. But wait how is that supposed to- - -

Al: No need to be overly grateful Victor! We’re like brothers now! HA HA HA HA. Now get out of my office. I need to fart.

Victor: … … …

It’ll be up to a ragtag group of riffraffs…

Al: Alright guys, I think it’s best to split up. That way we’ll cover more ground and probably find Irvin’s mangled corpse faster.

Hoss: I agree. Let’s attach ourselves with this tether so that we won’t be lost.

Tim: Good idea. There’s no way this tether can restrict our movement or lead to our demise! Despite the fact that this tether is very thin and can be cut just by pulling on it a bit too hard and that whatever spirit haunts this place can easily trace each and every one of us with the tether; and that Hoss found that tether from a glass case marked “Cursed Tether” – I am absolutely confident that this idea has no flaws at all.

Victor: Oh hell no. You guys ain’t going anywhere. I know how these things turn out. It’s always the black guy that goes first. Well ok, Irvin wasn’t really black but he did make a lot of black jokes so yeah. Then next is the nerd and I’m the nerd! Uh uh! No sir! I ain’t splitting up nowhere! I… guys? Guys???

To stand between all that is pure and good…

Denny: Hey guys look, an umbrella.

Al: Oh dawg, you best not be opening that. It is just a bit too much like Hoss’ crazy ideas. And when something of Hoss’ starts making sense then you know you’re in trouble.

Denny: Oh c’mon Al, this umbrella is nothing. Look. See? Nothing bad at all?

Al: Denny, Irvin’s corpse just dropped out of that thing.

Denny: No wonder it was so heavy.

And everything vile and evil…

Victor: GUYS! Come back! Where’d you go? Oh wait, I’m tethered aren’t I? All I gotta do is follow this string here… … … UH! Ow. What the hell did I bump into?

Dark: Ergghhh

Victor: Eeeeeeeeeekkkkkk!!!!

Dark: BLARGH!!

Victor: GUYS! GUYS! HELLLP!

Hoss: Ah ah ah! I didn’t hear anyone say “Assemble!”

Victor: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Hoss: C’mon! Say it!

Victor: Mmph… blah! Assmen! Assemb- - - - -

Hoss: … … … … … …saaay it!

And even the stuff in between…

Al: You think I’m afraid of a little girl with dirty hair? I fought in ‘NAM you little whore! I’ve EATEN things worse that YOU.

Hoss: OH MY GOD, I CAN’T FEEL MY LEGS!

Tim: Quick Denny! You have to throw the charge!

Denny: But Hoss is trapped! We gotta go back in there!

Tim: We have orders damn you! Hoss would’ve wanted you to do the job!

Hoss: NO I DON’T! GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE! OH JESUS IT IS SUCKING OUT MY KIDNEYS!!

Denny: Ahhhhhhhhh!!

KABOOM!!!!

Tim: It’s… it’s over Denny… it’s over…

Al: You… YOU! You killed Hoson you bastard! DARGGH!!

Tim: Al stop! STOP! Oh god please he’s already dead!

Al: Ah. Ah… ahh… … … hey look, a note. “Victor is mine.” Hmm, I wonder what this could mean.

Or else face the consequences…

Victor: What – what’re you going to do to me?

Tina: Isn’t it obvious?

Victor: No. You took away my glasses and made me wear a mask.

Tina: Look the point of the matter is that we’re going to make sure we never get separated again.

Victor: Oh no.

Tina: Oh YES! We’re having a shotgun wedding at the only place where shotgun weddings are still legal. Victor, you and I are going to Mexico.

Victor: Mommy…

For the fate of all humanity…

Tim: We’re in it deep now guys. I quit.

Al: Dammit Tim, this is not the time to be quitting!

Pika: I dunno Alex, quitting sure sounds good right now.

Al: What about Victor?

Tim: What about him!

Al: He’s one of us dammit! We have to save him. It’s in our sacred constitution.

Hoss: Not anymore.

Al: Oh dammit, don’t tell me Irvin stole our constitution again.

Irvin: Hey, if you wanted it so bad you shouldn’t of left it outside.

Al: I’m going to kill you!! Arrgh!

Irvin: Ahhyahh!!

Hoss: QUIET!! *Takes a deep puff of smoke* Ahhhh… I know what to do.

Rests in their filthy monkey paws…

Hoss: See what we do is hit Tina’s back light like THIS.

Pika: Wait, Hoson how is this supposed to solve anything?

Hoss: So that when she goes driving to Mexico the crossing guards will question her about the light and when they hear Victor in the trunk struggling they’ll immediately arrest her.

Tim: How in the hell did you know she was taking Victor to Mexico?

Hoss: I IMed her last night. I pretended I was Bryan and had a terrible case of hemorrhoids that could only be cured by someone telling me a secret.

For in a world full of mystery…

Officer: Hello lady. I pulled you over for a busted tail light.

Tina: Oh dear.

Officer: Yep, that tail light right there. Ya-hum. This is the taillight.

Victor: MMMPPPH ARF MOOF

Officer: What’s that sound?

Tina: Nothing.

Officer: Ma’am, please pop your trunk.

Tina: Why? There’s nothing in there. Nope. Nothing.

Officer: Ma’am PLEASE.

Tina: Oookay but I don’t see the reason wh- SEE YOU LATER, SUCKER!

When nothing is what it seems…

Hoss: Okay Tina, I’ll take your case for you. It’s a good thing you came to me because Victor’s attorney is Al and we all know how good of an actor that guy is.

Tina: Good. But if anything goes wrong you can believe that I’ll be after you.

Hoss: Do not worry. I assure you that I… will not… lose… this… case…

Who’re you gonna call???

Al: Judge we only need one real witness, and that is Tina Tran. Not Victor. Cause I mean he couldn’t see anything as it is.

Judge: Very well. Miss Tina Tran, please take the stand.

Al: Now Miss Tran, tell me is it true that you abducted my client with lustful abandon?

Tina: No.

Al: And is it true that you intended to forcefully marry my client by gunpoint?

Tina: No.

Al: And isn’t it true that while at the Mexican border you were involved in a high-speed chase that lasted for one hour before you collided with a donkey?

Tina: No.

Al: Are you trying to tell me that UNDER OATH you deny every single conviction placed upon you despite the fact that everything was caught on tape?

Tina: Yes.

Al: You are lying. LYING.

Hoss: Objection your honor Mr. Yen is badgering the witness!

Judge: Objection overruled

Al: No, YOU ARE OVERRULED.

Judge: Sir it will be better for you to simmer down before I hold you in contempt.

Al: You know what Judge? YOU ARE IN CONTEMPT. That bastard guy right there with the albino skin is in contempt! This woman sitting before me has so much contempt that it should be illegal! Oh my god that is a lot of contempt!

Judge: ORDER! ORDER I SAY!

Al: Psst, hey judge. Guess what. Your wife is a slut.

That’s right, the Assmen!

Hoss: Now Miss Tina. I know and I’m sure the jury knows that you are innocent. I mean, just look at that face, huh? Anyway, Miss Tina I will ask you a series of questions that require only a “yes” or a “no.” Is that ok with you?

Tina: Yes.

Hoss: Miss Tina, is it true that your car has enough mileage to get you from California to Mexico and back?

Tina: Yes.

Hoss: And isn’t it true that you have met Victor before?

Tina: Yes.

Hoss: Ahem, Miss Tina. Is it true that your trunk has enough space to fit a human body in there?

Tina: Uh… … …

Hoss: A simple yes or no, please.

Tina: …y-yes…

Hoss: Miss Tina, isn’t it true that you are stronger than Victor Banh?

Tina: … … …

Hoss: This is very crucial Miss, is it true that you are physically stronger than Mr. Banh???

Tina: Listen, you better not get any funny ideas or else I’m going to get you.

Hoss: Don’t worry, I got this handled. Just answer the question.

Tina: Uhm… … yes. Yes I am stronger than Mr. Banh.

Hoss: Very good. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I rest my case.

Everybody: WHAT???

Coming this Summer…

Judge: Are you sure about this Mr. Hoss?

Hoss: I…

ONE boy…

Hoss: REST…

ONE girl…

Hoss: MY…

ONE LIFE SENTENCE…

Hoss: CASE.


A LICENSE TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD