Ever since I graduated things have gone exactly the opposite of how I envisioned life would go. Which is not to say that it is a bad thing - it's all how you look at it. I like to view my situation as a valuable life experience, one in which I never EVER want to repeat. Never. Because I am very, very traumatized.
I'd say, if it weren't for the company of my understanding family and friends, I'd be a lot more emotionally fragile. Moreso than I am now, which is currently at threat level "Sensitive" (Inbetween "Dismissive Laugh" and "Obvious Silence"). But this long employment drought has me leaning perhaps a little bit too much on my friends, in the form of daily night-time hours-long chat-and-game sessions, coupled with weekly bball/activity meetings. Inevitably, familiarity breeds all kinds of contempt.
With the approval of Vic, I've decided to share with ya'll the various times over the past year in which we've raged against one another:
Fox
-Screamed at us after I joked, "You slept your way to the top didn't you, Fox? With your big, slutty lips."
-Threatened to leave after we insisted on retelling tales of his past battles against George W Bush.
-Called me a villain and a tyrant for trying to teach him how to properly shoot a basketball.
-"Accidentally" hid his soiled, smelly clothes in the back of Vic's car.
-Stubbornly refusing to take the scorpion antidote after getting stung during our Desert Walkabout adventure, claiming that he was determined to "Fight you guys every step of the way."
Vic
-Left in a fit of rage after Fox and I considered Michael Vick's dog fighting activities the greater of evils compared to Tiger Woods' infidelity and Lebron James leaving for South Beach.
-Proclaimed both Fox and I to be "Biggie" multiple times after we called Kobe Bryant a "rapist."
-Recalled fondly his college days with Fox. Specifically, the times in which he violently stabbed Fox and then promising to do so again.
-That one time where he tried spiking my drink, hoping to rob me while I was under a roofie-induced sleep.
-Actually stabbing Fox at a parking lot near his workplace.
Al
-Abruptly leaving after Vic made fun of the Celtics.
-Annoyed at Fox, I drove over to his house and trampled all over his rose bushes.
-While driving home with the guys in the backseat, I blasted Barry White's greatest hits. I couldn't help drifting into sexual fantasies during the drive, only rarely snapping into reality whenever a car horn blared or the guys screamed.
-Started blubbering uncontrollably, wiping tears and snot all over Vic and Fox's clothes, after they teased me like the meanies they are.
Even as these little conflicts go on, we'll find ways to resolve 'em, ending each episode with some hugging and sobbing and gentle kisses on the cheek. Here's to everyone out there and their goofy friends - stand strong, even if they slept their way to the top, with their big slutty lips.
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