A Few Easy Steps to Survive a Kidnapping

Al Yen

If you are reading this right now, you must obviously be one of three things: a kidnap victim, a potential kidnap victim, or a kidnapper looking for some helpful hints on how to not lose your victim. Well since that is the case, I have to tell ya, you've come to the right place. We at Assmen HQ take great pride in our "ridiculous scenario survival" research, with only the greatest minds and absolute devotion going into our conclusions. You can guarantee that the Assmen Delivers!

Kidnapping is a common crime, especially if you live nearby or in any way antagonized a sociopath. With the rising ransom rates and low success in kidnap rescue these days, chances are you will end up gutted and mailed to your loved ones in pieces. So in order to improve your survival rates, all you have to do is follow a few simple set of rules:

Do not panic. Usually, in a panicked state of mind, you will loose your capabilities of finding solutions or being able to control your organs, resulting in embarrassing failure and a sad, moist trail of said failure. By remaining calm and emotionally distant, your chances in avoiding Stockholm syndrome and messy spills improve greatly. Go ahead and be completely agnostic towards your kidnappers, because the less kindle you give them, the less likely their scoundrely ambition burns. (Hella metaphor)

Always listen to the kids. I've seen this many times in past cases I have seen in the movies. The common scenario: a child will tug at their parents' bed, complaining about a nightmare or a monster in their room. It is usually bone-chilling and completely ridiculous in the logical sense, but in these modern times the likelihood of there being an escaped convict in your daughter's room is 50/50. Remember to always search your child's room for every square inch, because you do not know where the kidnapper is hiding. Is it the closet? Under the bed? Maybe in the toy box? Perhaps that dark corner covered in dust? THE MICKEY MOUSE ALARM CLOCK??? They could be anywhere because kidnapper’s expert in two things: kidnapping and fitting in small places. Keep your eyes peeled.

Don’t provoke or let your close friends and family provoke potential kidnappers. This is usually how most kidnappings start and it is very simple to avoid through proper training. First of all, if it is completely unnecessary to anger mentally ill people, then please do not do so. Then, if your friends are considering angering mentally ill people, try to persuade your friend not to. Remember, you can’t get AIDS if you don’t do the humpin!

Do not associate with unstable people that have mental illnesses. This is just like the tip above: you will most likely get kidnapped if everyone you hang around with are kidnappers. To remember this tip, just imagine another AIDS scenario: you will most likely get AIDS if your only friends are horny people who have AIDS. Kidnappers usually look like the folks on the left. Just look at that guy’s hair. It’s screaming, “Watch out! I will kidnap your firstborn for slavery and your next child for a stew!” Stay away from these people!

Try not to help your kidnappers. The more you help your kidnappers, the more you will associate yourself to them and grow emotionally attached. It has been scientifically proven, so it’s not just me being a complete maniac. What’s more, you may even fall in love with your kidnappers because of the tense situation and sexual appeal all kidnappers have. Remember, a relationship with kidnappers is basically a way to say to society – “Hey everyone! I am a complete retard and I especially like living the life of a sewer rat! I express this love with my sexual encounters with kidnappers, rapists, and other scourges of society like Mike Tyson and Bill O’Reiley!”

Do not listen to what your kidnappers say. People may disagree with me on this, but this is why they are dead. Dead from kidnapping. Kidnappers are a weak and cowardly lot, who have to follow a set plan of action. If everything fails on them, they will loose their spirit, break down, and curl themselves in a ball, weeping. “But what about that SAW guy or any other movie villain Mr. Assman Representative?” you ask, and I’ll tell you: they are all the same. Say you refused to play the SAW guy’s game. What’s going to happen? YOU WILL RUIN THE MAN’S FUN. Think about this: if every victim is so pacifist, so unwavering in their inanimateness, eventually there will be no good victims; he will completely loose interest, and THE SAW GUY WILL DIE OF CANCER. By sacrificing your life you will be saving MILLIONS because the old dude with the voice will finally die.

Always struggle and make a mess of yourself. When you wake up from your dazed sleep, almost certainly you will be bound and gagged. Your kidnapper’s first word, almost certainly, will be, “Don’t even try. Just save your energy.” That’s where they’re wrong! Remember, when you don’t listen to what your kidnapper’s say, you will force them to rethink their plans. So what you should do is writhe around, shake, kick them in the groin, and vomit endlessly until the overwhelming stench of sweat and excrement will drive your kidnapper’s mad. If your kidnappers are smart, they will cut their losses and drop you off in a dumpster somewhere. A dumpster…OF FREEDOM.

Put your kidnapper down all the time. I don’t know about you, but I certainly wouldn’t like to be called a “Fu**ing homo” 24/7. It is just really damaging to a person’s self-esteem.


These are just a few tips to keep you safe and sound for the upcoming holiday season. Remember, you can trust the Assmen to DELIVER, because we care.