A Research Proposal for the Ages

Man and Chimp differ by the slimmest percentage, biologically. Man and apes are varied in their genetic makeup by less than 3%. Because of this, an Orangutan is capable of mating with a Gorilla to produce a super strong, super orange ape. Likewise, the Chimp can mate with the Bonobo to produce a Chimpobo. Yet with these possibilities available, why have we not seen more hybrid monkeys on the market?

Oh sure, the ethics behind such experimenting is unnatural. Cruel. Maybe even evil - if we're all feeling so unscientific enough to use the word. But I say, the benefits of ape hybrids far outweigh the possible consequences. Consider this: an elderly man's helper monkey dies from exhaustion. It is a monkey. They regularly die from such things. But this man still needs his refrigerator moved. Well that dead monkey sure won't help him. It's already rotting away like a typical lazy, deceased, monkey. What to do?

Well not only would a hybrid ape be twice as smart as the regular ape but it would also posses the strength of combined apes. "Sure, old man. I'll move your refrigerator for you. And I'll do it with a gentle tip of my cap and a tune in my heart," the ape would say.

Not practical enough? Well picture this - the denizens of the deep are rising out of the oceans. Vengeful. Eyes full of fury. They want the land and they are going to take it whether we like it or not. Our puny guns and explosive ordinance do little to penetrate the arcanite steel of the mighty whale warriors. What to do? Super apes. That's what. For when brains meet might and lose, what's left is to send in our Super-strong-hybrid-apes (and America's greatest bodybuilders) in the ultimate match of brawn versus might. Muscle shall defeat muscle.

Is helping the elderly ethical? Is fighting for our freedom to exist ethical? There's no question there. Now, this could be all hearsay. I could be overlooking the ecological ramifications; introducing a whole new species in an already crumbling global ecosystem. Or, heaven forbid, I'm grossly inconsiderate of the ape's feelings. "Ooh but I don't want to hump a gorilla. Waa. Waaa."

"SHUT UP, you dumb orangutan!" I shout. "THIS IS FOR SCIENCE." And the orangutan, realizing how badly behaved it has been, releases its grip from its tear-soaked pillow and proceeds to make sweet, wonderful love to the gorilla. It is a fantasy. It is a vision. Love - eternal. Ethics? What ethics? Ethic's power to halt the progress of science is as strong as it's ability to stop love. And love is unstoppable, ethics, you moron.

Yet the naysayers will naysay and naysay until their balls are blue from naying, but they never consider the problem at hand: we are at the precipice of great change. Change uncertain. Beyond, in the other side, is darkness. Humans have always confided in religion and magic when they confront uncertainty. But now humans can no longer rely on make-believe to carry them through the abyss. They risk destruction if they do. Man now confides more on their own ability to progress. To insure their own security. But in doing so, man has moved out of the shadows of his cave and into a deeper and darker world of unknowning. Man made god. Man can be god. But man does not need to take this journey on their own. They can have companions. They can have super-strong smart-apes.

So I hope you will accept my proposal and approve my human/ape hybrid. 'cause, hey, why have two monkeys doing it when you can be in on the action? Aww yes.

Movie Season

Lotsa movies are out gang, but the best one so far has to be that new Fast and Furious movie. Like, I've just seen the trailer so far but it looks very promising. It might be just as funny as the last Fast and Furious movie and here's why:

The cars are popping wheelies.

That's right folks, freaking wheelie popping cars. We have to see this movie. It is the comedy event of the season.

Doof's great but I want this puppet

He's got attitude.

Driving on I-10 = Relations 101

Okay, every time I go back home from LA or drive my sister back from her work, this same thought always pops into my head...the carpool lane is a lot like marriage.

See, initially the carpool lane offers a small section of freedom as one races down the freeway going 80-90 mph, the honeymoon phase as you will. Then, you hit bumps along the way such as a slow-ass bus or even more traffic since it is just one lane (financial problems, nagging wife, kids, etc. in the marital realm). You are stuck, you are committed to those two yellow lines and to those marriage vows, for better or worse.

Sticking with the regular five lanes of freeway, however, is bachelor life. If you don't like one lane (one girl)...easy breezy, just move on to the next. Swerving in and out of traffic...tapping a different girl every night. This is all in search of the fastest lane, the most epic climax.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes the carpool is the right choice; nothing but smooth sailing. But, more times than not, I stick with the loose lifestyle of the FREE-way.

Some Very Bad Drivers

Check it out, peeps.

Of course, no offense to the ladies out there!

Pathetic...Just Pathetic

I won't name names...but a certain A-man can't last two days without violating certain Japanese female rights (2GB of pictures...disgusting). Al and Wake, you guys know who I am talking about...lol.

I thought there was hope. I was wrong...DEAD WRONG (a la Mr. Al Yen)